“If it’s cold enough to wear a hat and scarf, perhaps I should put the top up?”

For when you want a cake topper that screams, “Assult and battery.”

“Is roller skating on the grass a cute metaphor on trying to navigate through this messed-up, crazy world of ours? Or is it that I’m an absolute retard?”

“Sure, I’m just a chair, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love to get shitfaced on some champagne every now and again.”

“I KNEW I should have used a wallet….”

“How many fucking times did I remind you to pack the god-damn blanket before we left for the beach? And you just shrugged me off like you always do and boom! Here we are, getting sand all up in our asses.”

“Good thing we’re white, or else getting hammered in the middle of the day while our kids are crawling around would be considered unlawful.”

“Where’s the lighter?”